ROCKIN' & COCKIN' ON THE TEX-MEX BORDER

Anthony Starr, STIJA'S president, thinks he has the attitude of a fearless journalist as he tours war-torn Matamoros. There isn't a strip joint he doesn't know although he laments the number of these establishments have decreased precipitously in recent years with the dramatic rise in violence. He recently regaled The McHale Report's editorial staff with his experiences:

"I am patient and finally she materializes. I buy her a drink and cut to the chase. By the time she has downed her $5 libation, I, as a  veteran cocksman, have negotiated a safe-sex deal. We retreat to the cubicle where she undresses. I drop my pants and masturbate. While she pinches my nipples, I caress her cunt with my free hand. Mission accomplished, I pay her $25, find my seat and finish my beer before returning to the homespun values of the United States.

"Not all customers can handle these challenges with such aplomb. Some gringos aren't prepared for the smorgasbord of sluts and proceed to glut themselves in an unseemly fashion. I will never forget the time I took a tequila-crazed Jack O'Connell, the great unpublished novelist, on a foray.

"He went on a spree that sent shivers down the spines of those who witnessed the carnage. He escorted four different dancers back to their cubicles, ate everyone and then fucked them. The blood-soaked beast crawled back to our table.

"'How many years have you been out at sea, mate?' I asked him. 'I don't think I have seen anything more gruesome in my life. Aren't you afraid you might pass a disease on to that pretty little wife of yours?'

"He took a deep breath and wiped his mouth.

"'I'm going to be paranoid and begging the fates for mercy tomorrow,' he replied. 'Let me relish the moment while I'm sufficiently drunk.'

"Rockin' and cockin' on the Tex-Mex border. Ain't nothin' like it!"