DONALD TRUMP

"I feel sorry for his wife," said a happily married woman lunching at the Vermillion. "Can you imagine a slobbering and straining Donald Trump over you as he struggles to squeeze out a drop of relief? In a world of Donald Trumps, I would be a lesbian."

"I've had sex with men like Donald Trump and I do it dog-style," commented her friend. "If they want to kiss me, they have to kiss my ass."

Trump is a fastidious guy. Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss asserts that national blogs report that Trump's breath is so bad he can return comatose patients to consciousness.

"Trump is anal-retentive," said Pangloss. "I believe he takes at least ten baths a day. He is constantly brushing and flossing his teeth. Despite his best efforts, he worries that food particles are lodged between his teeth. He keeps a cockroach farm at the White House. Two or three times a day he inserts a cockroach into his mouth to feed on his gums. He has excellent teeth, but the cockroaches die in his mouth and contribute to a terrible halitosis."