DON PEDRO

After decades of being used and abused by The Brownsville Herald, Don Pedro is taking the newspaper to court to see if any of the judges, which the daily has called "idiots" in the past, will be financially sympathetic to his suit.

"If blacks can get money because they were fucked over by the white man and if Indians can get casinos for the genocide committed against them, why can't this Mexican get some Palm Lounge peanuts from those gringo and coconut assholes who have used me like Mexico has used La Virgen de Guadalupe to control the brown masses!?!?" said Don Pedro.

"Am I pissed? Am I bitter? You're damn right I am. How can I look at the young people today and tell them to be proud of who they are when all this time I've been taking it up the culo just to amuse the Charro Days-loving elite?

"When they created my position, management told me I would be the voice of el pueblo and that the raza living in segregated neighborhoods would listen to me as the voice of reason. It has been more like the voice of treason.

"It was puro pedo and I fell for it. For 60-plus years, I have drunk their booze, smoked their dope, fucked their grade B gringas and made a few bucks doing Joe Louis doorman gigs. Why am I suing now? I might just put that dying daily out of business with a settlement. I couldn't think of a greater service to the community."

And out he went.