Tuesday, June 5, 2018

CRITICS DENOUNCE CONTRERAS

The South Texas Independent Journalists Association (STIJA) has named Estanislao Contreras the worst writer in the region.

"Whether it's his prose or his poetry, Contreras lacks both the gravitas and the talent to rise to the occasion," says Anthony Starr, STIJA's president.

"Contreras is one of those secularists who finds religion in art. He presents himself as a social liberal, but if you don't agree with his philosophy or he doesn't appreciate your humor, he flashes you a dirty snarl. He gives the impression that he hasn't bathed in weeks.

"Though his perspective is the opposite, he pens his opinions with the same fervor of a reactionary Republican who wants green areas filled with cheap high-rise housing. Called the Brownsville Bard by the illiterate, Contreras thinks of himself as the poet laureate of the university."

"I've heard his fans call him 'King of the Couplets' among other titles, but the man is absolutely puerile," lashed out one of the university's professors. "'My sister likes to fuck/And my brother likes to suck.' What kind of shit is that? 'Bit by bit by bit/I meditate on my shit.' This is authentic crap! 'I emerged from my mother's cunt/The last of her god-forsaken runts.' The man is sick. When you have to resort to pillorying your own mother for inspiration, you have truly reached the depths of desperation."

Contreras does have his admirers. Crooner "Delta" Dave Handelman is recording an album based strictly on Contreras' lyrics.

"I respect Estanislao more than any person on this earth with the exception of my lovely wife," asserts Handelman. "He could have sold his soul for a hefty sum, but he refused to cheat the devil. 'I can't sell what I ain't got,' he said. That's my kind of man."

STIJA doesn't share Handelman's lofty opinion.

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