FATHER MAC

I don't usually write about my personal life, but I want to take this opportunity to welcome by twin brother to our Third World City. He is Monseigneur S.M. McHale-Scully, but at his parish church in Montreal the faithful call him Monseigneur Mac.

He beat me into this world by three minutes. He was an All-American free safety for UCLA. He graduated with multi-majors in Spanish, Portuguese, French and Italian and with a doctorate in Latin, but before he embarked on his professional career, he went to Vietnam on three separate tours. As a sniper he was credited with more than 100 kills. He told me that his victims' heads reminded him of exploding watermelons.

With his educational background, military experience and mastery of multiple languages, he worked for the CIA. His first two wives were murdered, the first in Paris and the second in Buenos Aires. Both deaths he attributed to the KGB as retribution for the several women he had to assassinate in the line of duty.

His third wife died in an automobile accident in Mexico City. My brother lamented that the circumstances surrounding her violent demise were questionable, but there was not sufficient evidence to substantiate a hit.

After raising and educating seven children, he returned to the Church. It was our mother's last wish that there be a priest in the family. He took the vows of a Franciscan. After many years of missionary work in French Africa, a severe bout of malaria nearly killed him. He received an offer to take over a parish in the Algerian section of Montreal.

He has quickly risen in the clerical ranks. He attributes his ascension to the need for a man's man in the Church. Too many homosexual and child-molesting priests have caused irreparable damage to Catholicism.

There is speculation that Rome will soon elevate him to a bishop. He is in Brownsville as a guest of the Oblates, the French order that built the Immaculate Conception Cathedral and proselytize to the faithful along the border in the wake of the Mexican-American War.

Monseigneur Mac is a successful poet. His unique synthesis of Christian and existential philosophies has found a large audience among Francophiles. "Dieu est Morte" is his latest collection of verse.