THE EVIL GENIE

You came into my life with broad shoulders and an even broader smile. You weren't a stranger to me as I had seen you in the company of other relatives on many occasions. You were the toast of the party and you greeted everyone with a hug. You filled the room with warmth.

I'm not sure when you started calling me your pal, but in the first years of high school you were a favorite uncle to me. For 50 years we have been family. Most of my knowledge from life experiences has been gained with you at my side.

You have been my escort to the seamier side of life, which has been a roller coaster ride of cheap thrills. Besides my attachment to you, I have become a kissin' cousin with the rest of your clan--drugs, nicotine and sex.

I have lost control. I don't blame you for my excesses, but you have never advised me to step on the breaks. Three failed marriages are part of the steep toll I've paid for the good times.

If I were happy in spite of the sadness I've caused others because the pleasure was worth the pain, I would accept myself as an individual who marched to a different drum. But I am wracked with guilt, remorse and unhappiness. I see a dark horizon, a bleak future and an early death.

I purposely walk into ambushes. Physically, I can't resist. The temptations are too great. I throw caution to the wind and roll the dice time and time again. The intensity of the moment is more blinding than the sun.

You and your band of bullies--drugs, nicotine and sex--taunt me. You've heard me talk this same shit in the past. I'm going to change, but nothing changes and I slip deeper and deeper into despair

I know I am weak. I know I'm capable of continuing my reckless behavior at the expense of everything. I don't like making excuses for my excesses. It's too easy, but a force possesses me beyond my control.

I use the excuse that it is too late and I return to the oblivion of my vices. The calm impression I give hides the turbulence roiling beneath the surface. I am swimming for my life. If I have any hope of saving myself from drowning, I must liberate myself from you.

With a clearer mind, I might have the strength to combat the wild beast that stalks me every day. I must escape your clutches before you and your friends destroy me.