GARCIA WINS PERSIAN GULF OPEN
Brownsville High head golf coach Adrian Garcia, who once defeated Tiger Woods in match play when the latter was recovering from back and knee surgery as well as rehabilitating from drug use, added yet another accomplishment to his interminable list of feats when he captured the Persian Gulf Open in Bahrain's capital of Manama.
"It was an incredible experience, but in the Islamic culture there isn't a 19th hole," said Garcia who grew a Charro Days beard in order to participate in the tournament. "Since a man can't cover his face with a veil, he must grow a beard to show Allah the proper respect.
"I'm an atheist, but I can go with the flow if there's money on the table. The Arabs and I share a predilection for the same color--green. But religion pervades everything on that island sand dune.
"I used to be a Catholic until a priest tried to fondle my balls in the confessional, so I only know the Ten Commandments. Islam has more rules than camels.
"When you have a bowel movement, you can't wipe your ass with any foreign object. Toilet paper is a no-no. A la chingada! Instead, you have to wash yourself with water. As unsettling as I found the procedure initially, I discovered that by thoroughly cleaning myself, my hemorrhoids shrank dramatically.
"Without cheap toilet paper and specks of feces irritating my anus, I restored a smooth entry to my exit. My wife was surprised when I came home. She wanted to know what had happened to my balls. She didn't know that she had been playing with my hemorrhoids since our honeymoon."
The exclusive golf course, which excludes women and Jews but welcomes blacks within the folds of their hosts' Ku Klux Klan robes, is all sand except for the tee-boxes and the greens. Every hole is a par four and vary in distance from 275 to 350 yards. Garcia shot 70, 67 and 71 to finish two strokes ahead of Englishman T.S. Wadsworth and Argentine Pablo Borges.
"The course is one huge sand trap," explained Garcia. "Accuracy is paramount. If you don't have an impeccable wedge, you have no chance. I used to go to Boca Chica Beach when I was a kid with my Tio Fausto's clubs and walk the shoreline to the mouth of the Rio Grande hitting balls. I developed a special skill that I have preferred stroking out of bunker instead of the middle of the fairway."
Garcia led from start to finish, but he saw his seven-stroke lead dwindle to two in the final round.
"I thought the South Texas summers would prepare me for the Middle Eastern heat, but besides erring on my choice of a first wife in Harlingen after she had blinded me with her big tits, I mistakenly thought I could handle the weather, but the temperatures fluctuated from 110 to 120 degrees," said Garcia.
"Like the camel that depends on its hump to withstand the harsh conditions, I wouldn't have survived the final day if it hadn't been for my beer belly to sustain me."
Garcia returns to the world tour next month when he journeys to Nuuk for the Greenland Open. The course is laid entirely on ice with the exception of the greens and the tee-boxes, which are carpets of artificial turf. Garcia didn't make the cut last year when he slipped on seal shit and suffered a severe blow to his head.
"When I started drinking in the clubhouse, I was already punch-drunk."
"It was an incredible experience, but in the Islamic culture there isn't a 19th hole," said Garcia who grew a Charro Days beard in order to participate in the tournament. "Since a man can't cover his face with a veil, he must grow a beard to show Allah the proper respect.
"I'm an atheist, but I can go with the flow if there's money on the table. The Arabs and I share a predilection for the same color--green. But religion pervades everything on that island sand dune.
"I used to be a Catholic until a priest tried to fondle my balls in the confessional, so I only know the Ten Commandments. Islam has more rules than camels.
"When you have a bowel movement, you can't wipe your ass with any foreign object. Toilet paper is a no-no. A la chingada! Instead, you have to wash yourself with water. As unsettling as I found the procedure initially, I discovered that by thoroughly cleaning myself, my hemorrhoids shrank dramatically.
"Without cheap toilet paper and specks of feces irritating my anus, I restored a smooth entry to my exit. My wife was surprised when I came home. She wanted to know what had happened to my balls. She didn't know that she had been playing with my hemorrhoids since our honeymoon."
The exclusive golf course, which excludes women and Jews but welcomes blacks within the folds of their hosts' Ku Klux Klan robes, is all sand except for the tee-boxes and the greens. Every hole is a par four and vary in distance from 275 to 350 yards. Garcia shot 70, 67 and 71 to finish two strokes ahead of Englishman T.S. Wadsworth and Argentine Pablo Borges.
"The course is one huge sand trap," explained Garcia. "Accuracy is paramount. If you don't have an impeccable wedge, you have no chance. I used to go to Boca Chica Beach when I was a kid with my Tio Fausto's clubs and walk the shoreline to the mouth of the Rio Grande hitting balls. I developed a special skill that I have preferred stroking out of bunker instead of the middle of the fairway."
Garcia led from start to finish, but he saw his seven-stroke lead dwindle to two in the final round.
"I thought the South Texas summers would prepare me for the Middle Eastern heat, but besides erring on my choice of a first wife in Harlingen after she had blinded me with her big tits, I mistakenly thought I could handle the weather, but the temperatures fluctuated from 110 to 120 degrees," said Garcia.
"Like the camel that depends on its hump to withstand the harsh conditions, I wouldn't have survived the final day if it hadn't been for my beer belly to sustain me."
Garcia returns to the world tour next month when he journeys to Nuuk for the Greenland Open. The course is laid entirely on ice with the exception of the greens and the tee-boxes, which are carpets of artificial turf. Garcia didn't make the cut last year when he slipped on seal shit and suffered a severe blow to his head.
"When I started drinking in the clubhouse, I was already punch-drunk."
posted by brownsville literary review @ 9:05 AM
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