DON PEDRO

Don Pedro is a pot smoker. The Brownsville Police Department busted him puffing on a joint in the alley behind the Half Moon Saloon Saturday night. The newspaper is holding the story.

"I released him without bail," said Municipal Judge Ben Neece. "Don Pedro is an icon in the community. He is a harmless old man. Law enforcement has nabbed Willie Nelson several times and the public has found these incidents humorous. They recognize that the crooner has written his best songs stoned.

"I hope our worthless daily doesn't decide to fire him. Like Willie, Don Pedro does his best work after he has had a few hits of our border swag. He's a WWII veteran who fought in the Battle of the Bulge. He says good dope eliminates those terrible flashbacks of his buddies being blown to pieces."

Annie Gunn doesn't think her old newspaper will act in a hypocritical manner. The Herald has traditionally hired marijuana smokers. Reporters are notorious heads.

"It was Don Pedro's job to test a fresh recruit," recalled Gunn. "If he gave a thumbs up, we knew the newcomer was cool and he or she could enter our inner circle."

Don Pedro has suffered from alcoholism for years and there have been police reports about wife beatings, but, according to his confident Estanislao Contreras, the octogenarian has mellowed with years.

"The police committed a grave error arresting Don Pedro," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss. "Don Pedro uses marijuana for medicinal purposes. He has terrible arthritis and the herb eases his pain."

Will the district attorney prosecute Don Pedro? Justo Leyes, Don Pedro's lawyer, insists that it would be a waste of time and money. Don Pedro is a sympathetic character who would reduce the D.A. to a bully in the eyes of the community.

Don Pedro, as is his custom, attended Sunday mass at the Immaculate Conception Cathedral.