BRAD DOHERTY

Brad Doherty is recovering at Valley Baptist Hospital after nearly losing his jewels in a dog attack.

"If he wasn't circumcised, he is now," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss who attended the stricken artist/journalist. "Praise the Lord that Brad doesn't shave like most the nurses I know. With the exception of his foreskin, the beast swallowed a clump of pubic hair."

Doherty was downtown photographing historic buildings when he ducked into an alley to piss. He crammed himself between a garbage bin and a brick wall, uncoiled his nine-inch appendage and was relieving himself when a dog--described as part German Shepherd, part Chihuahua by the victim--sprang at his exposed member.

"I imagined for a moment that I was wading in the Amazon River and I had crossed paths with a school of piranha," recalled the grimacing Doherty who is under strict orders from Dr. Pangloss to refrain from sexual stimulation for a month.

"As a precaution I am not renewing his Viagra prescription," said the physician. "I know Brad and he gets horny watching a flower bloom. If he doesn't adhere to my orders, we're looking at reconstructive surgery. Though he has plenty to spare, I'm sure a man of his pride and reputation wouldn't appreciate any more lopping."

"I've wanted a pretty penis," laughed Doherty. "When I was a football star in my salad days at Lubbock High, I used to notice in the showers the guys who had had their dicks trimmed and I was jealous. From every bad comes a good. Now I have my pretty penis."