DR. POLYPHEMOUS PANGLOSS

I am in my sixth decade and many of my contemporaries are asking me for an opinion on Viagra. I didn't want to offer a recommendation without ingesting the drug myself. I have no problem summoning an erection. I am similar to most Cameron County Democrats: I see a dog in heat and I get horny.

I thought, nevertheless, Viagra might enhance my performance, much like Barry Bonds went from hitting 40 homers to 70 homers a year by adding a supplement to his regimen. Generally, I'm not much good for more than one poke unless it's a young thing with whom I've never experienced sex.

I pulled out a sample one of the drug reps had given me--100 miligrams--but not before receiving assurances from a nurse that I could park my speed boat in her dock after revving up my engine.

I dropped the pill. By the time I arrived at her apartment 40 minutes later, I wasn't feeling well. My mouth had dried, my temperature had risen and my heart was palpitating madly. I had a woody, but no sap flowed through it as I labored mechanically to ejaculate. My circuits had overloaded.

It was an unpleasant experience for me. Viagra, if you're healthy, will not improve virility based on my one experiment. I inhabit a state of ignorance from lack of more doses. Perhaps it doesn't work if you don't need it. But if you need to fill that empty vessel with fresh blood to prove to yourself that you're still hung, proceed with caution.