DON PEDRO

Don Pedro has been nabbed again by the BPD. After being busted for a joint recently, the unrepentant sage returned to his familiar turf around Market Square where the authorities arrested him for solicitation. They also found a plastic bag of pills that proved to be a Viagra generic.

Justo Leyes, Don Pedro's attorney, blasted the city's finest.

"Give me a goddamn, mothafuckin, cocksuckin', pinche break," said the usually unflappable Leyes. "Everyone knows my client smokes dope and screws putas. Big fuckin' deal. Does the D.A. fear the mayor will convince Don Pedro to run for D.A. and the incumbent is blowing Don Pedro out of the water early by unleashing the BPD gestapo on him. This is ridiculous.

"The old man fought in WWII. His best friend's head landed in his lap as they repulsed a German attack. Don Pedro has earned the right to live his life as he sees fit."

A BPD undercover cop filed this report: "A male, approximately 85 years old, approached me from the west. I was standing in the alley next to the Immaculate Conception Cathedral. He asked me how much. How much for what I answered. A blow job he said. I answered $100. He called me an ugly bitch and said nobody charged that much. He said he'd pay $10 and I answered fine. He handed me the cash and signaled me to follow him behind a garbage bin. I summoned back-up and we handcuffed the subject on the spot. He was sniggering the whole time. I suspect he was under the influence of marijuana."

Leyes informed the press that Don Pedro had been released from jail on his own recognizance.