MY ASHES

I am suffering from an ear ache which is a reaction from cleaning my system of possible venereal diseases by overdosing of Zithromax and Flagel. The two are specifically directed at gonorrhea, chlamydia and trichomoniasis. They have become more widespread than the common cold.

I finished a week's worth of amoxicillan for the ear infections and both ears still have a dull pain. My liver on a daily basis absorbs 10 milligrams of Lisinopril for high blood pressure, 25 milligrams of Levothyroxin for a underactive thyroid, one milligram of Alprazolam, the generic for Xanax, for temporary tranquility and two tablets of extra strength Excedrin. There is the steady intake of alcohol that follows the medicine.

My blood tests attest to a healthy liver, but like any abuse, how long can a person go without sleep compounded by alcohol before one looks like a heroin addict? We run the long race with the idea that in the end we will be healthier for our efforts, but instead we discover that the effort to endure has left us physically, psychologically and emotionally weakened. How many poor blokes reach retirement and within a few years are dead?

If I die, it will be because I abused myself physically. I won't be centering my life around children. I'm at the supermarket and I meet former colleagues who rave about the quality time that they are spending with their grandchildren. Since I don't have grandchildren for starters, I won't have to reassure my sense of importance by insisting that I'm the guiding light in a child's life and the family revolves around a committed grandfather. I find no satisfaction or solace in the family circle.

Teaching British Lit the last four years has imbued me with that English imperial bravado that once conquered the world. Alfred Tennyson writes in his Ulysses that the old king yearns for his past when he and his men fought great wars and battles. He doesn't want to die a staid ruler. He wants to die facing life with sword in hand.

When I was in my late teens and through my twenties, I traveled extensively, but I settled in Brownsville, found permanent employment, married three times and raised children. I do not desire to finish my life living in that manner. I have no desire to die in Brownsville. A part of me is buried here. I intend to spread my ashes elsewhere.