FATHER JESUS P. CADISSIMO

I went to Dr. Tony Zavaleta and asked him if he could find someone who could serve as a medium for Jesus Christ because I needed to ascertain on behalf of our many fine citizens in Brownsville if the mayor is truly evil.

"Father Jesus P. Cadissimo has a special relationship with God's bastard son," replied Zavaleta. "Supply him with peyote and a bottle of tequila and he'll transport you to a Nazarene wood shop conversing with Israel's favorite son."

We found the defrocked priest listening to the confessions of his Cameron Park flock. He led us to his humble abode near the soccer field. After chasing down the buttons with several shots of Herradura, he slipped into a trance and his voice changed to a thick Middle Eastern accent. For a moment it sounded similar to one of Osama bin Laden's recordings:

"I spoke to my father and he informed me that the mayor will spend eternity in the underworld. He said that his wife and children should appreciate their time with him in this existence. Once he dies, they will never see him again unless they want to urinate in his mouth when he's begging for water.

"My father says that he is surprised that the people of South Texas haven't exiled him like my father chased Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. 'He has the mark of Cain on him,' continued my father, which may explain his malevolent ways. 'I gave him the power to help the masses. Instead, he chose to worship the Golden Calf and enrich himself, his family and his friends. What deal will he cut next on behalf of his cronies and compadres? When I observe the mayor who is nothing more than a beast, I chastise myself for creating man. The mayor reminds me of one of the failures in my artistic career. But he will receive his just due. The man is cancerous with mortal sin. I will punish this impudent devil by casting his rotten body into the everlasting flames of hell.'

"My father has told me on many occasions that the mayor is no different from those thousands of stiff-necked Jews he sentenced to death. The mayor evokes Judas Iscariot, the apostle who betrayed me. The mayor has no beliefs. He is for sale although he asks for much more than 30 pieces of silver. He would do his fellow citizens a great favor if he, like Judas, hung himself from the nearest mesquite."

Cadissimo's eyes blinked twice.

"Give me that bottle," he demanded. "Why didn't Jesus drink tequila instead of wine at the Last Supper? It certainly would have made celebrating the mass much more fun."