DON PEDRO

Don Pedro spoke with a vehemence and assurance that only years of writing gives a man's man the right to say:

"I am 88 years old. I want to fuck Melania Trump. Her worthless husband apparently wants to fuck other bitches. No hay pedo. Fuck everything that walks. I've lived by that philosophy all my life. Since I've never had any qualms about porking prostitutes, I've fucked at least a 1,000 chicks in my lifetime, maybe 2,000. Hell, I lost count 2,000 years ago.

"Living and drinking in downtown Brownsville, I fuck a different chick every week. How many young bucks can make that claim? I'm talking about a strange piece of tasty tail every fuckin' week. Fuck quality! I'm into quantity. I spread an 18-year-old chick from Matamoros two weeks ago for $50.

"If you're an old man who keeps his nose close to the ground and can summon a boner, downtown Brownsville is a treasure trove of twat. There's nothing like sticking your prick in a strange pussy. It's a sensation I can never resist.

"One of my wives put the dilemma in perspective: Once you come, you never come back. I'm not a backdoor man. I stand before the world and proclaim: 'I want to eat your precious pussy, Melania. I want to stick my dick in your wet cunt, Melania. I want to deposit my cum in your luscious cavern, Melania. Come to Daddy. Better yet. Come with Daddy.'"