I GOT SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

"I got so drunk last night, I nearly lost my mind," sang the poet Langston Hughes. "Drunk some bad liquor that almost made me blind."

I knew the feeling as I stumbled downtown from one bar to another until I deposited myself at El Hueso de Fraile. "Delta" Dave Handelman was playing. His regular appearances have made him downtown's house band. Besides, Dave and I go back to 1977 when he joined me at The Brownsville Herald as my assistant sports editor.

We covered six varsity football teams that fall. We were pitiless in our coverage as it was another disastrous year for the Brownsville public schools. The head football coaches were threatening to kick our asses if we appeared on their campuses, but we remained unrelenting in our criticisms and by the end of the season they were begging for mercy. We relayed to them the Oakland Raiders' owner Al Davis' famous line: "Just win, baby."

When the dust had settled, four head coaches were fired, three in the bloody Thanksgiving Day Massacre. Dave and I laughed all the way to the Palm Lounge where we celebrated yet again that the pen was mightier than the sword.

In 1981 and 1983 Dave coordinated precincts for me in my unsuccessful runs for city commissioner and then mayor. At my behest, Dave followed me into the BISD where he earned the distinction as Brownsville High's favorite teacher for three decades.

I had many thoughts roiling through my besotted brain when I staggered into El Hueso. Sharing abrazos and besos with various patrons, I spied two of my favorite politicians. We covered the usual topics when the subject of Cameron County Judge running unopposed in the Democratic primary next year took hold of the conversation.

"If ese pinche vato is going to run unopposed, I will throw down the gauntlet," I bellowed. "The motherfucker deserves an opponent because he is a worthless son-of-a-bitch. I will run a no contribution/no compromise campaign and coordinate my entire strategy from my blog and Facebook. I can't beat him, but I'll go toe-to-toe with him for twelve rounds and set the stage for the knockout by the Republican in November."

Neither of the politicos opposed my candidacy, but neither did they agree with the no contributions/no compromises approach.

"What's the point of running if you're not committed to winning?" asked one of them. "You're not making any sense."

I wasn't making any sense. I was drunker than shit. No man in his right mind would compete for office these days unless he was totally inebriated. But I was totally inebriated and no better than a stumbling mick looking for a fight in a bar for the pure joy of throwing blows. Winning and losing is, after all, for small minds.

I sat through Dave's set and, as on countless other occasions, he drove me home. By then I had succumbed to personal thoughts and the idea of resurrecting my political career had receded into the deep recesses of my subconscious.

I awoke around ten in the morning, rose, drank a glass of water and swallowed two Excedrins and a Xanax. I retired to bed and slept until three in the afternoon. My noggin no longer ached and I felt relaxed. I took a shower, walked to Cobbleheads and listened to the music on the deck. After a shrimp dinner and two cold beers, my head cleared.

I recalled my bluster from the previous evening. Hadn't I learned my lesson from two defeats more than 30 years ago? I asked myself. Drinking had clouded my thinking. The sun was shining brightly. I noticed on my way to the bathroom I was walking more sprightly because I had realized that a 6A Brownsville football team would win the state title before I would venture into politics again. In celebration of my salvation and liberation, I stopped at the bar and ordered a shot of tequila.