ADAM & EVE

If I seem pessimistic, I'm dealing with a hangover: In joy, there is suffering. I have no second thoughts about last night's excesses. I've done my best to reduce the suffering by calling in sick, drinking plenty of liquids, combining pain killers and tranquilizers, and sleeping. Like the anonymous artist that I am, I record my thoughts during my waking moments.

As I've repeated on countless occasions over innumerable glasses of beer, bottles of wine and shots of tequila, bad experiences inspire some of my best prose. I don't know if today will be one of those transcendent instances, but no writing is bad writing.

Not everyone would agree with this assertion. Sometimes it's better to stop while you're ahead. Man and woman were God's last two creations. Maybe he ran out of good material. Both have failed him. These pathetic creatures claim that God wouldn't exist if they didn't exist. Whatever. The little decent material he held in his hands, he fashioned into man.

The scriptures state that he had no intention of creating a woman until he caught Adam masturbating. God wasn't going to tolerate this from someone he had created in his own image and likeness. He had to do his best with the scraps, which explains a female's inferior construction--smaller and plagued with chronic plumbing problems.