SANTA CLAUS

Mrs. Claus told me to call it quits. I told her I didn't know anything else. She may be right. It was a terrible ordeal. 

During the first leg of my journey a Hindu family tried to stick a trunk on my face in honor of their elephant god Ganesha. That was cute.

But over the Middle East on my way to Lebanon the Israelis mistook me for an incoming from Iran and shot off Rudolph's nose. I stopped having anything to do with the Jews centuries ago when they tried to lop off the top of my dick.

They don't compare to those Muslim madmen who wanted to lop off my head in order to pay homage to Allah. "A la chingada" as you border people say.

I spent most my time avoiding crazy Christians. They're killers. We saw them in action once they had an atom bomb. It would be a cold day in hell before I ate any of their poison cookies. They claim I'm Satan who is undermining the true meaning of Christmas.

The only people I enjoy visiting are the atheists. Their kids believe in me.