BRAD DOHERTY

Brad Doherty, an aspiring performance artist these days, has failed to set the record for maintaining the longest hard-on. He missed the record by less than two hours when he brushed against a couch and exploded. His prized woodie splintered into a thousand pieces.

The current mark is held by the Indian swami Jawaharlal Narayan. He lasted 69 hours, six minutes and nine seconds.

"I thought I had it," said Doherty who like the Hindu mystic has subsisted for years on rice and beans with an occasional avocado surviving on the abysmal wages as an employee of The Brownsville Herald. "I really thought I had it. Then...nothing."

Doherty enumerated the several rules regarding the competition: no Viagra or other enhancers; no touch by a second party; and a 15-minute break every four hours to urinate.

"You can page all the magazines and view all the pornography you want while you play with yourself," continued Doherty.

"I didn't realize there was so much on-line porn. Neither did I realize there was so much anal sex taking place. It's hard to maintain the excited state, but I get hot when a guy shoots a wad into a gal's ass, pulls out his pulsating member, presses the chick's cheeks together and the cum squirts out of her hole. I have to credit those videos with keeping me in the game."

Doherty added the other huge obstacle is sleep deprivation.

"Just like the ban on Viagra, you can't take anything to stay awake," he said. "Once you fall asleep, your cock falls like a redwood as would have been the case in my situation."

Doherty, who once held a gun against his temple for 24 hours as family members and former girlfriends reviled him for his worthless existence and implored him to kill himself as part of his first Manhattan show entitled Life vs. Death, will attempt to set the record in 2020 during the Presidential election as part of a Democratic strategy to bring more voters to the polls.

"I am planning my tactical modification," explained Doherty. "I had sex with my wife the night prior to the attempt. Boxers avoid sex for a month before a bout. I am going to refrain for two months. My wife and I have been married long enough that having or not having sex is no longer an issue."