DON PEDRO

The Brownsville Herald has suspended Don Pedro indefinitely.

"There have been several complaints that Don Pedro has been touching women at our office without their consent," said the Herald's publisher.

"We are taking these complaints seriously," echoed the newspaper's editor. "We do not want any females feeling uncomfortable as employees of the Herald."

Don Pedro is denying the allegations. The 88-year-old is counting on The McHale Report's Justo Leyes to represent him. He is accusing the newspaper of defamation.

According to Herald photographer Brad Doherty, a group of aggrieved females went to the publisher and demanded that he put to an end to Don Pedro's shenanigans.

"I don't believe there is any substance to the accusations against Don Pedro," offered Doherty. "He was a mentor to me. He has a photographic memory and he tells more anecdotes about Brownsville's history than any person I know. I've known Don Pedro to take a second look. Does that constitute sexual harassment these days?"

"We have many enraged middle-aged ladies since Hillary lost," said Leyes. "They think that every elderly man is no different than the perverted Donald Trump and don't think twice about trumping up charges against the likes of a Don Pedro out of pure revenge."

"I have known Don Pedro for years and he has never been anything less than a gentleman," said Annie Gunn, once the newspaper's top investigative reporter who has continued her journalistic career at The McHale Report.

"These gals are probably mad because Don Pedro hasn't been showing them any attention. Not surprisingly, Don Pedro has a weakness for young, pretty reporters."