DONALD TRUMP

I'm a piece of shit. Two pieces of shit produce more shit. I'm a piece of dog shit. I'm a piece of cat shit. Have you ever seen ducks shit? The crap pours out of these creatures like diarrhea. That's the stinkin' opinion I have of myself.

My dead grandparents keep invading my dreams.

"You're a piece of shit," they remind me as I peer into the empty sockets that once were their eyes.

My latest movida down in Florida placed a cake before me, but instead of singing the traditional song, she started rapping, "You're a piece of shit, cocksucker, you're a piece of shit."

I couldn't believe my ears. Then I couldn't believe my nose as she plunged my head into the frosting. It tasted like shit.

The Vice President has remarked that there is an unpleasant odor hanging over my person. I tell you: I'm a piece of shit. I have to flush the toilet three and four times at a sitting because I'm so full of shit.

The Speaker of the House and the rest of the Republicans are telling me that I'm nothin' but shit. They are accusing me of being a closet Democrat.

I'm getting tired of taking all this shit. I never thought my life would devolve into such a shitty experience, but once a sewer rat, always a sewer rat.

Many critics are comparing me to the United States of America's greatest pile of shit--Richard Nixon. If it weren't for Fox News wiping my ass at every turn, I would really be in deep shit.